MOO

Have I mentioned my AWESOME stomach? Along with my whacked out nervous system, third uretor, and paradoxical brain I have an awesome slow moving-lazy stomach…that hates lactose.

I’ve been gluten sensitive for a while, realized about two months ago that I’m showing a little bit of gastroparesis downward spiral and my doc put me on a strict diet limiting to things that digest more easily.

No raw veggies, only white bread, if I eat fruit I skin it first. I can only eat meat and eggs when I prepare it certain ways, for example, scrambled eggs don’t digest as easily as a little nervous over easy egg does. Then to top it off I’m not just sorta lactose intolerant, my stomach starts reenacting it’s own version of Texas Chainsaw Massacre as soon as that drop of milk touches my tongue. Apparently I can’t have bread, chocolate, or anything else with even small traces of milk in it.

I won’t die if I have milk, but over time my stomach will start looking like a crack addicts pot-holed skin face. But the only immediate consequences I get are constant trips to the bathroom, vomiting like crazy and tootin like a boy scout around the campfire.

It could be worse I guess. I could be completely gluten intolerant too…or be trapped in a cage with Sara Palin and Gene Simmons.

Growing up I always wondered why cows always hated me. I figured it's cus we'd go tip em over every night....Did they know my body secretly hated them too?

It's Salt's Fault

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Part of my new life is I have to intake 10 g of salt a day. Yes...10 grams!! The average person has about 3-4.5 g a day. I also get the pleasure of drinking 2.5 liters of water a day. I'm supposed to drink Gatorade but i'd almost rather drink gator pee...I said almost.

I pour it on my food, in my drinks, and guzzle it plain because the salt tablets that have been prescribed to me cause instant up chuck.

You ever need to get poison out? Just throw one of those monsters down ya and out it'll come!

Still with all the guzzling and chugging back i'm not getting even close to the suggested amount.

My dad's threatening to install a salt lick in the back yard for me.

... he loves me so much?

Dear Porcelain Gods

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Okay, that's it! The VOMITING is OUT OF CONTROL!!!

Dear Porcelain Gods,

I wish to never visit you again. Please don't take it personally.

Thank you,

Your most frequent visitor.

It's official, my visits to the "situation room" are out of control and way to frequent. I'm trying to find ways to deal with it, so please, if you have ideas, pray tell.

I used to never throw up, then it started every couple of months and it progressed to daily. Now I wake up and drink my traditional two glasses of water the doctors have me drink before I get out of bed, and within min i'm throwing up. I eat I throw up, I work out I throw up, I just sit, I throw up.

So please i'm desperate, i really don't want to continue looking at my food and thinking, I wonder what this will taste like coming up.

mmm! Yummy!