Advice for Loved Ones of a Major Health Challenge or Change

My grandfather had heart surgery this week. While waiting in the waiting room we ran into some friends from my childhood. It was so strange, but totally meant to be. They were there because a mysterious ailment made their mothers heart stop. She was rushed to open heart surgery and then rushed to the best hospital in the state for more surgeries. After talking with my friend for a little while I decided I should write a  few things to help others experiencing the same situation.

1. Be as patient as you possibly can.
2. Don’t be afraid of prayer, whether or not you believe in God, circumstances like this a prayer could never hurt.
3.  Always make sure while talking to the doctors there are at least two of you. One person cannot pick up everything that is said. Bring a pen and pencil and a buddy to all doctor consultations about your loved one.
4.  Obey the visitor’s rules. It may get really frustrating at times because you want to see your loved one at certain times or you don’t want to leave them. But too many people in the room or staying past curfew or going in when you have a cold could seriously complicate the progression of your loved ones recovery.
5.  It’s common for people who have had big surgeries like brain surgery or open heart surgery to go through a sort of hard core depression afterward. Help them realize this is normal, bring the light back into their life and be a good support for them to lean on during this hard time, but don't get frustrated by their behavior.
6.  Their life may never be the same, tell them it shouldn't be. My biggest obstacle and sometimes still is, is remembering how much I used to be able to do and how little I can do now. It’s the most frustrating part of the journey. I have realized I only have so much energy every week and if I over do it one day I’m out the rest of the week. This is important for you and your loved one to realize. They will want to get back to normal, but it may take time, for me it has taken years and I’m still not even close to what I used to be. So this is my new normal. I’ve accepted it. But it took a lot of time a lot of tears and a few broken plates to realize this.
7.  Recovery may take longer than expected. Your timeline and the body’s timeline can be two totally different things. Push yourself but don’t get frustrated if you or your loved one hasn’t accomplished what you think they should by your standards. Your doctor will step in and let you know if something is wrong. Otherwise enjoy the journey and don’t get mad at yourself. Anger doesn’t help the bodies progression
8. Their personality may totally change. It is not uncommon when something like this happens your personality takes a huge remodeling. I am the first to admit who I am now, how I handle situations, and my views on life are totally different than they were before I first got sick. When you have a loved one who is going through this change it may be incredibly confusing and frustrating because they are not who you fell in love with, or grew up with, or love. But guess what, they are. We all change throughout our life’s but events like this just make the change quicken. I’m reminded a rock slide that happened in Zion National forest years ago. Before the slide it was well established in the scientific community that rock formations and canyons take hundreds of years to be made. But after this unique rockslide the entire areas look changed. The slide made unique formations broke an arch into a hodo, and a mountainous area into a canyon.  All these things that were previously thought to take years to happen took literally a few min. Your loved ones personality may be this drastic, but under everything, they are the same person, so embrace the new them. If they have traits that are now considered dangerous behaviors get them help, otherwise try to accept the new them.
9.  Let them know you are there but give them space. When your life changes like this, a new self-awareness occurs. Your loved one may need that alone time in the hospital and during recovery to help them find themselves again. Don’t take their dismissals personally. Their life has changed, let them find stable ground again. 

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